I ♥ Bears












We’re going to Alaska! I can’t remember the last time I was so excited about a vacation. I can’t remember the last time I scheduled a vacation. Last summer I had the wonderful opportunity to take a trip with my church to Rwanda. The summer before that I went with a church group to Scotland. But I can’t remember the last time I planned a non-work, church, or friend’s wedding related get-away.

We are going to fly to Anchorage and then spend three days visiting Denali National Park. The park features North America's highest mountain (20,320-foot tall Mt. McKinley), glaciers, and more than 6 million acres! I will refrain, for the moment, from addressing the lack of Constitutional authority for the government to establish national parks - and instead say bring on the grizzly bears, wolves, Dall sheep, caribou, and moose.

I’m going to get to add a very big state to my travel map below!

Psalm 139

So I’ve made some references to my oh-so-endearing quirks resulting from Type A/OCD tendencies. I certainly don’t have any real issues, just silly stuff I’ve noticed I do over the years that friends and family love to make fun of. However, something that I struggle with that is very real is perfectionism and its resulting anxiety. Again, I am highly functional and I feel like it doesn’t affect my life in my relations to others, just the degree of pressure and expectation I put on myself.

I’m reading an amazing book on it all and I’ll probably comment more in the future (b/c I suspect many of you suffer from similar issues, especially in DC and in law), but my point is that anxiety and self-criticism is something I struggle with daily. This is very different from low self-esteem. I am very confident and complete in the way God has made me, and count the blessings He has bestowed upon me with gratitude each day. I strive to be a good steward of those gifts, yet sometimes the expectations I put on myself are a bit unrealistic. The hard truth I have come to realize is that it is really a form of pride. We think of prideful people as obnoxiously self-confident, but this is just a different manifestation. It isn’t that I think I can do everything myself, it is that I think I should be able to do everything myself.

Either way, with issues of pride, you are not relying on God but trying to do it all yourself. I am not trusting in God’s sovereignty and giving Him glory for my capabilities. I save Him for “God-size” problems and snatch the “Me-size” problems out of His hands. I mean, why bother Him with the little stuff, He has bigger issues to handle … and surely I should be able to handle this much on my own. But no. Our God is a God of details. We have no idea what are the “big things” and the “small things.” We should prayerfully supplicate for His Will in all areas of our lives. Who are we to say which belong to Him versus us?

Worst of all, my analytical mind can get the better of me if I am not careful … and that is where the anxiety comes from. A couple of summers ago I was going on a service missions trip to Scotland, and we were required to read To Busy Not to Pray by Bill Hybels. Let me stop here to say that I am a bit of a Christian literature snob. A Purpose Driven Life and Prayer of Jabez don’t get it done for me. I’m more of a Tozer and Bonhoeffer gal. So needless to say, I was not excited about reading this book … plus, honestly, I was too busy to read a book about how I thought I was too busy to pray.

But, again, in my pride God had a lesson for me. After suffering (skimming) through chapter after chapter about the importance of prayer (duh) I came to the chapter on listening. Wow, listening … the weakest part of my prayer life. I am so good at petitioning, but not so patient at being still and receiving. One reason we have trouble hearing that “still small voice” is that we are not in a place of stillness. Even if our bodies are still, often our minds are not. He compared it to a car engine that idols at 2000 rpms – its resting rate. When you are driving (or active), it is more like 4000 rpms or 5000 rpms … the faster the speed, the louder the engine, the harder to hear. I stopped and thought about this … and realized that my mind races at 10,000 rpms all the time. Once, when I was over-analyzing the hell out of something, my friend Berna said, “now I understand why you say that sometimes you go to sleep so you can stop thinking.”

I knew God had blessed me with an analytical mind, and I figured that to be a good steward of that gift I should not hesitate to use it as much as possible. I can think quickly on my feet and analyze a situation for all contingencies and future implications. I am a great planner and generator of options (which, unfortunately, is frustrating if you are also indecisive … but that is another post :) What I didn’t realize was that when my mind is racing at 10,000 rpms all the time, unhealthy things sometimes happen. When your mind is flying through a proof from A to B to C and so on … to K, sometimes you miss a step along the way and end up with a wrong conclusion. Or sometimes you shoot past K and end up at Q, which you have no business even worrying about. And this is when the anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. I used to struggle with walking into work, sitting down at my computer, and then suddenly becoming completely immobilized with fear and no idea where it came from. It would start with “what do I need to do first today” and spin out of control to “what should already be done by now and how am I going to possibly accomplish everything I need to do this month and who am I disappointing because I won’t be able to accomplish it all?” I would sit, frozen at my desk, overwhelmed by my impending failure and no idea how to move forward. I had to get to a place of complete brokenness before I would submit it to God, but once I did He gave me answers … even in such surprising places as a Bill Hybels book. :)

I can still over-think and stew about things to a very unhealthy point. I feel like I do a pretty good job of keeping the crazy in my head and not getting any on others around me, but the toll that it takes on me effects those that love me. God has really redeemed this situation and I’ve become an expert in verses on anxiety. I’ve learned that often my prayer time needs to happen first thing in the morning, before my mind gets going (to the point that I have to even resist the urge to jot down a “To Do” on my list on my way to the bathroom b/c once I start thinking that way, it is really hard to come down from the 5,000 rpms). I’ve learned to consciously hand it over to God each time my mind starts racing out of control. Granted, some days I may have to “hand it over” every five minutes (I’m not a quick learner) … but God is faithful.

Wow, so I didn’t really intend to put all my crazy out there … but there it is. That emotional vomit was my lengthy introduction to say I've been praying through the 139th Psalm each day, mostly b/c of my issues with anxiety. I find the whole piece very comforting - well, except for the part about wanting God to slay the wicked and hating God's enemies … which I understand relates to the declarations of allegiance during the time of David, but it still always seems to jolt me a little. Anyway, the chapter is blessing me right now, and I thought it might bless others …

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Sorry I'm Late

This is a post from the brilliant mind of Mike Munger (http://mungowitzend.blogspot.com/). For those outside "the movement" (not bowel), Dr. Munger is Chair of the Poli Sci Dept. at Duke and a libertarian (little "l"). If you ever have the privilege of listening to him speak, he is fabulous. Anyway, this was a recent rant on his blog that I found very convicting.

I am often late, although I hope not for the selfish reasons Munger articulates. I grew up in the country and my family always had a longer commute because we first had to get "to town" (all 3 miles to the city limits). But my family was know for being late ... at church we were always later than the Wilburns but rarely later than the Stuarts (that is when you knew you were really late). My mom actually hated being late, but with her eldest a chronic procrastinator (me) and the next oldest with ADD that kept him from focusing on such essential tasks as donning his socks and shoes, we basically broke her spirit to the point that she stopped yelling at us. Although once she did leave me behind ... but that is a different story.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I am a chronic procrastinator ... but even more of a compulsive multi-tasker. I can't stand to waste time ... I abhor "inefficiency." That, coupled with a crippling insistence on underestimate how long any given activity will take me, it is amazing that I function in society. If I am ready to go somewhere that I think will take me 20 minutes to get to, but I'm ready 30 minutes before the event, then I will think of all the things I could accomplish in that 10 minutes. No point getting there early and wasting my time. Yet never does the task take only 10 minutes, and never does the drive take 20, and there I am ... late and rude. And I spend the whole drive anxious about being late, when if I'd just left earlier I would have had a more enjoyable (and punctual) experience. So when I read this blog entry, it was convicting, and guilt inducing, and just an interesting sociological observation that I think anyone who works in a multiple-meeting environment can appreciate.

Footnote: I don't want to make myself out to imply that I actually manage to not waste time. I'm just irrationally selective. I can't kill a half hour without trying to run an errand, but I'll squander a Saturday sitting through a Laguna Beach marathon. Sort of like how I cut coupons and know where to save a couple bucks on Diet Coke (w/ Lime, of course), yet will run up at least half a dozen parking tickets a month.

Anyway, here is the blog post:

Sorry I'm Late

No, you're not. If you were actually sorry, you wouldn't be late next time. And you will be.

I hate that phrase, "sorry I'm late." I have to go to so many meetings. And I can tell you in advance who is going to be late.

So, as part of the service offered here at The End, five (as they say) "True Facts" about people and time:

Five True Facts About People and Time

1. The busier the person, the less likely they are to be late. Busy people are more likely to be good time managers. This may be because they have to manage a scarce resource, and so develop institutional rules for governing their day. For example, when I was junior. I never kept a calendar, and just relied on "memory" for meetings. What that means is that I was usually late, and often just missed stuff completely. By comparison, now I am almost always on time. But I have an assistant and an electronic calendar, and I live by her rules and its dictates. There is a more sinister interpretation, however. Competent people adjust; if you are capable of getting better at your job, you will be given progressively more and more responsibility. And that includes managing your own time and respecting that of others. Incompetent people like to BELIEVE they are busy, because it gives them an excuse for sucking. And, they are always late. (A caveat: TRULY busy people, like Presidents or Provosts, are often late, usually because their previous meeting started late, probably because some shmoe came in and said, "Oh, sorry I'm late." GRRRRRR.)

2. The closer the person's office is to the meeting room, the more likely they are to be late to the meeting. To be fair, this is understandable, and perhaps unavoidable. But pay attention, and you'll see it's true. If someone is coming from another city, the importance of the meeting is elevated in their mind. For someone who has to drive, likewise. Even if you just have to walk to another building, you are more likely to be on time. But for the person in the building, and especially for someone right across the hall...well, they are usually late. They may check in once, notice that several people aren't there yet, and then go make a phone call. Then, when in fact they are the last one to come in, five minutes late, they say (you guessed it), "Oh, sorry I'm late. I was just making a phone call." As if that mattered.

3. Small meetings can have convergence problems, just like maximum likelihood estimations. Someone shows up, puts down their briefcase and papers, sees no one else in the room, and goes to get some coffee. Because they are three minutes early, they stop to chat to a colleague or a staff person. They end up being five minutes late, but their briefcase sits there in mute proxy, evidence they were in fact early but the meeting failed to converge. I have seen meetings start fifteen minutes late, when one at a time person after person says, "Oh, Smith isn't here yet. I'm going to get a soda. Anyone else want something?" and off they go. Smith comes back, and Jones decides to run get a book she left in her office. "We can't start 'til Mbuto gets back; I'll just be gone a minute." (Honestly, I am guilty of this, all the time. Mea culpa).

4. If you are always late, it is not an accident. Random things happen. Being late, if it were random, would probably be negatively autocorrelated, an (AR[-1]) process. That is, if I am late once because I got caught behind a school bus, I will be early next time because I found it embarrassing to be late. But late people are ALWAYS late, so it is more like an idiosyncratic autoregressive time series, (AR_i[1]). If you find you are always late, there is a feasible solution: LEAVE EARLIER. If you choose not to do this, you are deciding to insult your colleagues in a show of passive-aggressive vanity. "Oh, sorry I'm late. You wouldn't BELIEVE what happened this time." Actually, that's right. I DON'T believe it. You are just a pinhead. Chronically late people always time it so that if they catch every light and find a parking space in front of the door of building, they would be 30 seconds late. But "something goes wrong" (surprise), and it is the fault of the thing, not the person's own egregious solipsism.

5. Lateness is ingrained, as a social convention. When first I got to Duke, and became Department Chair, I tried to start our meetings on time. There had evolved a convention that meetings and talks started seven minutes late. It was a translation of origin problem: 1:07 was actually the origin, 1:00, for a talk advertised to start at 1 pm. I pointed out that this was arbitrary, and therefore could be changed. Just move the intercept 0, instead of 7 minutes, and we'll start on time. For a while, I would introduce the speaker at 1 pm, to an empty room, and people would come in late, whispering "Oh, sorry I'm late!" Then, a few people would show up on time, but I would wait until more showed up so that we didn't (1) embarrass the speaker by introducing her to an empty room, or (2) interrupt her with late-arriving "sorry"-whisperers. I gave up, within a month. Now, people come in at X:07 for an X o'clock talk, and there are always several who come in late. "Oh, I'm sorry..." AAAARGGGGHHHHH.

BONUS: There is an easy test for finding out if someone is chronically late. You don't need experience to find out, don't need meetings. Just look at their watch. If they set their watch more than five minutes "fast" (i.e., ahead), they are a late-nik. I find it remarkable that someone would set their watch, ON PURPOSE, to a time different than the correct time. (I set mine according to the NIST Clock, to the nearest second, once a week). As "Doc Potter" says:

Well, first off, set your clock to the CORRECT time - always. Setting it ahead is a trap. It actually encourages you to be late because you look at the time and then tell yourself that your really have more time, so you slow down and procrastinate even more.

The "set watch ahead" trick would only work if it were done WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE. Just be on time....

UPDATE: The good Andrew Chamberlain does make a good point: at its base, the problem is that I dislike MY waiting much more than I feel bad about YOUR waiting. You feel the same, only in reverse. But, of course, manners and conventions are ABOUT solving this sort of problem.

All of the places I've been blessed to travel (and a reminder of all the places I still want to go) ...



create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.



create your own visited countries map or vertaling Duits Nederlands

To receive ...

I mentioned in my character-analysis dissertation that I would elaborate on my struggle to receive compliments. It is something that I realize is an "area of opportunity" (as my friend Chip's management training calls it), an area of my character that I have an "opportunity" to work on. (Sort of like breaking the news to my parents that the roof of our house had burned off by spinning it as the chance to always have the skylight in their bedroom that they never knew they wanted.) So one of my "areas of opportunity" is receiving - compliments, assistance (and also instruction ... but that is a different issue).

My friend Jeannie posted about this very problem, and her words have been on my heart ever since. If you met Jeannie, you would recognize the same "Helper"/Martha/spiritual-gift-of-hospitality/Type-A tendencies I possess. We are "do-ers," but not "accept-ers." Here is her post:

My grandmother’s recent words are ringing in my ear, “the most feminine, attractive thing a woman can do is receive.” By receiving, I admit need, lack of perfection, and dependency; hence, I begin to shudder and run away. It has become so difficult for me to receive compliments, acts of sheer kindness, and help from others. Oh, how I can dish out the compliments, casseroles, encouragement, and rides to the airport! I love to love people. Who doesn’t love to be loved? Me? Regardless of the depth of vulnerability or transparency, I always feel like I am somehow unworthy. In the past week, the Divine Enabler and dear friends have taught me that I am marring the beautiful picture of grace. I love others and accept love in the most conditional manner. I am seeking to control and manipulate others so that I will always appear to be the better lover. These tendencies are like molding cakes of mud and walking into the King’s court. While He is asking me to represent the most divine, unconditional and glorious Love ever…I present Him with mud.

“The life of faith is represented as receiving an act which implies the very opposite of anything like merit. It is simply the acceptance of a gift. As the earth drinks in the rain, as the sea receives the streams, as night accepts light from the stars, so we, giving nothing, partake freely of the grace of God. The saints are not, by nature, wells, or streams, they are but cisterns into which the living water flows; they are empty vessels into which God pours his salvation.” - Charles Spurgeon

I don’t struggle as much as Jeannie w/ allowing others to love me, although sometimes I wonder why they do. :) And I really don’t try to compete to be better at giving love. I consider it an amazing blessing when I find someone who returns love as deeply and loyally as I feel toward them, but it is rare.

Like Jeannie, I am the queen of casseroles and rides to the airport, yet would never want to inconvenience anyone by asking for anything in return. After helping tons of friends move over the years, I ended up moving myself b/c I could only do it a carload at a time, and that didn't seem worth bothering anyone for, so I never asked for (or accepted the offers of) help. The thing is, I know how blessed I am when I get to help a friend ... why would I deny my friends that same blessing? My family is another matter ... I bless the heck out of them. :)

My point is, I realized that every time someone paid me a compliment, I would say “thank you, but …” and try to explain away how I didn’t really deserve it. In fact I was just conveying this to a co-worker on my way to lunch as she said “your hair looks really cute today” and I said “oh, thanks … it is way too curly, but it will calm down.” The thing is, when I do that, I’m just rude. I am dismissing their opinion by politely disagreeing with them. Why can’t I say “thank you” and keep my mouth shut? I need to learn to just bask in the glow of kindness and process the comment, rather than try to refute it. So as I strive to be a more elegant woman, feel free to praise me - you’ll be helping me learn a valuable lesson. :)