To receive ...
I mentioned in my character-analysis dissertation that I would elaborate on my struggle to receive compliments. It is something that I realize is an "area of opportunity" (as my friend Chip's management training calls it), an area of my character that I have an "opportunity" to work on. (Sort of like breaking the news to my parents that the roof of our house had burned off by spinning it as the chance to always have the skylight in their bedroom that they never knew they wanted.) So one of my "areas of opportunity" is receiving - compliments, assistance (and also instruction ... but that is a different issue).
My friend Jeannie posted about this very problem, and her words have been on my heart ever since. If you met Jeannie, you would recognize the same "Helper"/Martha/spiritual-gift-of-hospitality/Type-A tendencies I possess. We are "do-ers," but not "accept-ers." Here is her post:
My grandmother’s recent words are ringing in my ear, “the most feminine, attractive thing a woman can do is receive.” By receiving, I admit need, lack of perfection, and dependency; hence, I begin to shudder and run away. It has become so difficult for me to receive compliments, acts of sheer kindness, and help from others. Oh, how I can dish out the compliments, casseroles, encouragement, and rides to the airport! I love to love people. Who doesn’t love to be loved? Me? Regardless of the depth of vulnerability or transparency, I always feel like I am somehow unworthy. In the past week, the Divine Enabler and dear friends have taught me that I am marring the beautiful picture of grace. I love others and accept love in the most conditional manner. I am seeking to control and manipulate others so that I will always appear to be the better lover. These tendencies are like molding cakes of mud and walking into the King’s court. While He is asking me to represent the most divine, unconditional and glorious Love ever…I present Him with mud.
“The life of faith is represented as receiving an act which implies the very opposite of anything like merit. It is simply the acceptance of a gift. As the earth drinks in the rain, as the sea receives the streams, as night accepts light from the stars, so we, giving nothing, partake freely of the grace of God. The saints are not, by nature, wells, or streams, they are but cisterns into which the living water flows; they are empty vessels into which God pours his salvation.” - Charles Spurgeon
I don’t struggle as much as Jeannie w/ allowing others to love me, although sometimes I wonder why they do. :) And I really don’t try to compete to be better at giving love. I consider it an amazing blessing when I find someone who returns love as deeply and loyally as I feel toward them, but it is rare.
Like Jeannie, I am the queen of casseroles and rides to the airport, yet would never want to inconvenience anyone by asking for anything in return. After helping tons of friends move over the years, I ended up moving myself b/c I could only do it a carload at a time, and that didn't seem worth bothering anyone for, so I never asked for (or accepted the offers of) help. The thing is, I know how blessed I am when I get to help a friend ... why would I deny my friends that same blessing? My family is another matter ... I bless the heck out of them. :)
My point is, I realized that every time someone paid me a compliment, I would say “thank you, but …” and try to explain away how I didn’t really deserve it. In fact I was just conveying this to a co-worker on my way to lunch as she said “your hair looks really cute today” and I said “oh, thanks … it is way too curly, but it will calm down.” The thing is, when I do that, I’m just rude. I am dismissing their opinion by politely disagreeing with them. Why can’t I say “thank you” and keep my mouth shut? I need to learn to just bask in the glow of kindness and process the comment, rather than try to refute it. So as I strive to be a more elegant woman, feel free to praise me - you’ll be helping me learn a valuable lesson. :)
I mentioned in my character-analysis dissertation that I would elaborate on my struggle to receive compliments. It is something that I realize is an "area of opportunity" (as my friend Chip's management training calls it), an area of my character that I have an "opportunity" to work on. (Sort of like breaking the news to my parents that the roof of our house had burned off by spinning it as the chance to always have the skylight in their bedroom that they never knew they wanted.) So one of my "areas of opportunity" is receiving - compliments, assistance (and also instruction ... but that is a different issue).
My friend Jeannie posted about this very problem, and her words have been on my heart ever since. If you met Jeannie, you would recognize the same "Helper"/Martha/spiritual-gift-of-hospitality/Type-A tendencies I possess. We are "do-ers," but not "accept-ers." Here is her post:
My grandmother’s recent words are ringing in my ear, “the most feminine, attractive thing a woman can do is receive.” By receiving, I admit need, lack of perfection, and dependency; hence, I begin to shudder and run away. It has become so difficult for me to receive compliments, acts of sheer kindness, and help from others. Oh, how I can dish out the compliments, casseroles, encouragement, and rides to the airport! I love to love people. Who doesn’t love to be loved? Me? Regardless of the depth of vulnerability or transparency, I always feel like I am somehow unworthy. In the past week, the Divine Enabler and dear friends have taught me that I am marring the beautiful picture of grace. I love others and accept love in the most conditional manner. I am seeking to control and manipulate others so that I will always appear to be the better lover. These tendencies are like molding cakes of mud and walking into the King’s court. While He is asking me to represent the most divine, unconditional and glorious Love ever…I present Him with mud.
“The life of faith is represented as receiving an act which implies the very opposite of anything like merit. It is simply the acceptance of a gift. As the earth drinks in the rain, as the sea receives the streams, as night accepts light from the stars, so we, giving nothing, partake freely of the grace of God. The saints are not, by nature, wells, or streams, they are but cisterns into which the living water flows; they are empty vessels into which God pours his salvation.” - Charles Spurgeon
I don’t struggle as much as Jeannie w/ allowing others to love me, although sometimes I wonder why they do. :) And I really don’t try to compete to be better at giving love. I consider it an amazing blessing when I find someone who returns love as deeply and loyally as I feel toward them, but it is rare.
Like Jeannie, I am the queen of casseroles and rides to the airport, yet would never want to inconvenience anyone by asking for anything in return. After helping tons of friends move over the years, I ended up moving myself b/c I could only do it a carload at a time, and that didn't seem worth bothering anyone for, so I never asked for (or accepted the offers of) help. The thing is, I know how blessed I am when I get to help a friend ... why would I deny my friends that same blessing? My family is another matter ... I bless the heck out of them. :)
My point is, I realized that every time someone paid me a compliment, I would say “thank you, but …” and try to explain away how I didn’t really deserve it. In fact I was just conveying this to a co-worker on my way to lunch as she said “your hair looks really cute today” and I said “oh, thanks … it is way too curly, but it will calm down.” The thing is, when I do that, I’m just rude. I am dismissing their opinion by politely disagreeing with them. Why can’t I say “thank you” and keep my mouth shut? I need to learn to just bask in the glow of kindness and process the comment, rather than try to refute it. So as I strive to be a more elegant woman, feel free to praise me - you’ll be helping me learn a valuable lesson. :)
1 Comments:
At 8:42 AM,
McCoy family said…
I definitely struggled with the same thing, especially growing up and then I had a guy friend of mine get kind of annoyed with me and said just accept my compliment, don't try to explain it away, just accept it. That really blew me away and changed the way I accept compliments.
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