Psalm 139
So I’ve made some references to my oh-so-endearing quirks resulting from Type A/OCD tendencies. I certainly don’t have any real issues, just silly stuff I’ve noticed I do over the years that friends and family love to make fun of. However, something that I struggle with that is very real is perfectionism and its resulting anxiety. Again, I am highly functional and I feel like it doesn’t affect my life in my relations to others, just the degree of pressure and expectation I put on myself.
I’m reading an amazing book on it all and I’ll probably comment more in the future (b/c I suspect many of you suffer from similar issues, especially in DC and in law), but my point is that anxiety and self-criticism is something I struggle with daily. This is very different from low self-esteem. I am very confident and complete in the way God has made me, and count the blessings He has bestowed upon me with gratitude each day. I strive to be a good steward of those gifts, yet sometimes the expectations I put on myself are a bit unrealistic. The hard truth I have come to realize is that it is really a form of pride. We think of prideful people as obnoxiously self-confident, but this is just a different manifestation. It isn’t that I think I can do everything myself, it is that I think I should be able to do everything myself.
Either way, with issues of pride, you are not relying on God but trying to do it all yourself. I am not trusting in God’s sovereignty and giving Him glory for my capabilities. I save Him for “God-size” problems and snatch the “Me-size” problems out of His hands. I mean, why bother Him with the little stuff, He has bigger issues to handle … and surely I should be able to handle this much on my own. But no. Our God is a God of details. We have no idea what are the “big things” and the “small things.” We should prayerfully supplicate for His Will in all areas of our lives. Who are we to say which belong to Him versus us?
Worst of all, my analytical mind can get the better of me if I am not careful … and that is where the anxiety comes from. A couple of summers ago I was going on a service missions trip to Scotland, and we were required to read To Busy Not to Pray by Bill Hybels. Let me stop here to say that I am a bit of a Christian literature snob. A Purpose Driven Life and Prayer of Jabez don’t get it done for me. I’m more of a Tozer and Bonhoeffer gal. So needless to say, I was not excited about reading this book … plus, honestly, I was too busy to read a book about how I thought I was too busy to pray.
But, again, in my pride God had a lesson for me. After suffering (skimming) through chapter after chapter about the importance of prayer (duh) I came to the chapter on listening. Wow, listening … the weakest part of my prayer life. I am so good at petitioning, but not so patient at being still and receiving. One reason we have trouble hearing that “still small voice” is that we are not in a place of stillness. Even if our bodies are still, often our minds are not. He compared it to a car engine that idols at 2000 rpms – its resting rate. When you are driving (or active), it is more like 4000 rpms or 5000 rpms … the faster the speed, the louder the engine, the harder to hear. I stopped and thought about this … and realized that my mind races at 10,000 rpms all the time. Once, when I was over-analyzing the hell out of something, my friend Berna said, “now I understand why you say that sometimes you go to sleep so you can stop thinking.”
I knew God had blessed me with an analytical mind, and I figured that to be a good steward of that gift I should not hesitate to use it as much as possible. I can think quickly on my feet and analyze a situation for all contingencies and future implications. I am a great planner and generator of options (which, unfortunately, is frustrating if you are also indecisive … but that is another post :) What I didn’t realize was that when my mind is racing at 10,000 rpms all the time, unhealthy things sometimes happen. When your mind is flying through a proof from A to B to C and so on … to K, sometimes you miss a step along the way and end up with a wrong conclusion. Or sometimes you shoot past K and end up at Q, which you have no business even worrying about. And this is when the anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. I used to struggle with walking into work, sitting down at my computer, and then suddenly becoming completely immobilized with fear and no idea where it came from. It would start with “what do I need to do first today” and spin out of control to “what should already be done by now and how am I going to possibly accomplish everything I need to do this month and who am I disappointing because I won’t be able to accomplish it all?” I would sit, frozen at my desk, overwhelmed by my impending failure and no idea how to move forward. I had to get to a place of complete brokenness before I would submit it to God, but once I did He gave me answers … even in such surprising places as a Bill Hybels book. :)
I can still over-think and stew about things to a very unhealthy point. I feel like I do a pretty good job of keeping the crazy in my head and not getting any on others around me, but the toll that it takes on me effects those that love me. God has really redeemed this situation and I’ve become an expert in verses on anxiety. I’ve learned that often my prayer time needs to happen first thing in the morning, before my mind gets going (to the point that I have to even resist the urge to jot down a “To Do” on my list on my way to the bathroom b/c once I start thinking that way, it is really hard to come down from the 5,000 rpms). I’ve learned to consciously hand it over to God each time my mind starts racing out of control. Granted, some days I may have to “hand it over” every five minutes (I’m not a quick learner) … but God is faithful.
Wow, so I didn’t really intend to put all my crazy out there … but there it is. That emotional vomit was my lengthy introduction to say I've been praying through the 139th Psalm each day, mostly b/c of my issues with anxiety. I find the whole piece very comforting - well, except for the part about wanting God to slay the wicked and hating God's enemies … which I understand relates to the declarations of allegiance during the time of David, but it still always seems to jolt me a little. Anyway, the chapter is blessing me right now, and I thought it might bless others …
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
So I’ve made some references to my oh-so-endearing quirks resulting from Type A/OCD tendencies. I certainly don’t have any real issues, just silly stuff I’ve noticed I do over the years that friends and family love to make fun of. However, something that I struggle with that is very real is perfectionism and its resulting anxiety. Again, I am highly functional and I feel like it doesn’t affect my life in my relations to others, just the degree of pressure and expectation I put on myself.
I’m reading an amazing book on it all and I’ll probably comment more in the future (b/c I suspect many of you suffer from similar issues, especially in DC and in law), but my point is that anxiety and self-criticism is something I struggle with daily. This is very different from low self-esteem. I am very confident and complete in the way God has made me, and count the blessings He has bestowed upon me with gratitude each day. I strive to be a good steward of those gifts, yet sometimes the expectations I put on myself are a bit unrealistic. The hard truth I have come to realize is that it is really a form of pride. We think of prideful people as obnoxiously self-confident, but this is just a different manifestation. It isn’t that I think I can do everything myself, it is that I think I should be able to do everything myself.
Either way, with issues of pride, you are not relying on God but trying to do it all yourself. I am not trusting in God’s sovereignty and giving Him glory for my capabilities. I save Him for “God-size” problems and snatch the “Me-size” problems out of His hands. I mean, why bother Him with the little stuff, He has bigger issues to handle … and surely I should be able to handle this much on my own. But no. Our God is a God of details. We have no idea what are the “big things” and the “small things.” We should prayerfully supplicate for His Will in all areas of our lives. Who are we to say which belong to Him versus us?
Worst of all, my analytical mind can get the better of me if I am not careful … and that is where the anxiety comes from. A couple of summers ago I was going on a service missions trip to Scotland, and we were required to read To Busy Not to Pray by Bill Hybels. Let me stop here to say that I am a bit of a Christian literature snob. A Purpose Driven Life and Prayer of Jabez don’t get it done for me. I’m more of a Tozer and Bonhoeffer gal. So needless to say, I was not excited about reading this book … plus, honestly, I was too busy to read a book about how I thought I was too busy to pray.
But, again, in my pride God had a lesson for me. After suffering (skimming) through chapter after chapter about the importance of prayer (duh) I came to the chapter on listening. Wow, listening … the weakest part of my prayer life. I am so good at petitioning, but not so patient at being still and receiving. One reason we have trouble hearing that “still small voice” is that we are not in a place of stillness. Even if our bodies are still, often our minds are not. He compared it to a car engine that idols at 2000 rpms – its resting rate. When you are driving (or active), it is more like 4000 rpms or 5000 rpms … the faster the speed, the louder the engine, the harder to hear. I stopped and thought about this … and realized that my mind races at 10,000 rpms all the time. Once, when I was over-analyzing the hell out of something, my friend Berna said, “now I understand why you say that sometimes you go to sleep so you can stop thinking.”
I knew God had blessed me with an analytical mind, and I figured that to be a good steward of that gift I should not hesitate to use it as much as possible. I can think quickly on my feet and analyze a situation for all contingencies and future implications. I am a great planner and generator of options (which, unfortunately, is frustrating if you are also indecisive … but that is another post :) What I didn’t realize was that when my mind is racing at 10,000 rpms all the time, unhealthy things sometimes happen. When your mind is flying through a proof from A to B to C and so on … to K, sometimes you miss a step along the way and end up with a wrong conclusion. Or sometimes you shoot past K and end up at Q, which you have no business even worrying about. And this is when the anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. I used to struggle with walking into work, sitting down at my computer, and then suddenly becoming completely immobilized with fear and no idea where it came from. It would start with “what do I need to do first today” and spin out of control to “what should already be done by now and how am I going to possibly accomplish everything I need to do this month and who am I disappointing because I won’t be able to accomplish it all?” I would sit, frozen at my desk, overwhelmed by my impending failure and no idea how to move forward. I had to get to a place of complete brokenness before I would submit it to God, but once I did He gave me answers … even in such surprising places as a Bill Hybels book. :)
I can still over-think and stew about things to a very unhealthy point. I feel like I do a pretty good job of keeping the crazy in my head and not getting any on others around me, but the toll that it takes on me effects those that love me. God has really redeemed this situation and I’ve become an expert in verses on anxiety. I’ve learned that often my prayer time needs to happen first thing in the morning, before my mind gets going (to the point that I have to even resist the urge to jot down a “To Do” on my list on my way to the bathroom b/c once I start thinking that way, it is really hard to come down from the 5,000 rpms). I’ve learned to consciously hand it over to God each time my mind starts racing out of control. Granted, some days I may have to “hand it over” every five minutes (I’m not a quick learner) … but God is faithful.
Wow, so I didn’t really intend to put all my crazy out there … but there it is. That emotional vomit was my lengthy introduction to say I've been praying through the 139th Psalm each day, mostly b/c of my issues with anxiety. I find the whole piece very comforting - well, except for the part about wanting God to slay the wicked and hating God's enemies … which I understand relates to the declarations of allegiance during the time of David, but it still always seems to jolt me a little. Anyway, the chapter is blessing me right now, and I thought it might bless others …
Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
1 Comments:
At 3:15 PM,
Laura said…
Hello!
This is Laura Ardrey -- I happened along this post and it really blessed me to relate to your struggles. Thanks for putting this where I could find it!
love,
Laura
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